by Guruguhan Iyer

Few days back, I forgot the one and only word called ‘sleep’. It doesn’t mean that I am suffering from “Insomnia” but I am suffering from “Book-o- phobia” and the reason is two of my irrelevant exams are hardly a week away from me. The students from my class have completed the entire syllabus and are consistently scoring more than 150 out of 200 and I am the only student to score less than ninety and that too consistently. Huh!!!!!! I forgot to tell you which exams, ‘NMAT and CET’. The exams are irrelevant because I know nothing about it, otherwise the grade of importance would have been the other way round.

It was 11:00 pm, when my parents opened their mouth and started snoring and the very next moment I opened my book and started studying. Quantitative ability gave me a new disease called “QUANT-O-PHOBIA.” It asked me to solve hundred questions in seventy-five minutes. I closed the book in seventy-five seconds and headed towards a new disease called “Logic-o-phobia” it was sympathetic and asked me to solve thirty questions in twenty-five minutes. I solved those questions in fifteen minutes only to discover that none of them were right. Frustration exploded like a volcano from my mind, my hands automatically hit my head with the book. The book tore and soon I found the book’s two halves were on my two hands. The book told me “You bastard, atleast now you must realize that your head has no ingredients, why in the hell are you torturing me?” Suddenly a hand slapped my brainless head, “What are you doing? It has been an hour since you switched on the light, you tore that book by smashing it on your head and you have been staring at it since past forty-five minutes, either you study or switch off the light and sleep.” I saw the woman with a puzzled expression and asked her, “Excuse me madam! Do we know each other? Why did you slap me?”

“You idiot! Are you drunk?” She screamed on top of her voice and slapped me even harder than she did before. I got a shock, I saw the woman and soon realized that she is my mom. It took me few seconds to get back to my normal state of mind. I immediately changed my expression and told her, “Mom! I was just joking”

“Shut up! I know you saw me like a perfect stranger.”

“Mom, why don’t you just go and sleep, I want to study for a while.”

“But this time better don’t stare that torn book for forty-five minutes.”

I opened the refrigerator’s door and drank a bottle full of water in less than ten seconds, I went to washbasin and splashed water on my face. I saw a man looking towards me from the mirror, he told me “you moron, for the first time in your life you failed to recognize your own mom, what the hell is wrong with the hard-disk on your head?” I didn’t know what to answer, so again I splashed water on my face, saw the man on the mirror and realized that the man was none other than me. I went outside my house and started walking on the passage not knowing what to do with my freaked up mind. Suddenly a man halted his bike about a foot away from me and asked, “Hey charsi kidar ghoom raha hain?”

I felt horrified and told him, “hello Bhai sahab! Mein koi charsi nahi hoon.”

“Acha toh raat ko chaar baje bina shirt aur pant pehne, beech ka road mein kya khazana doond raha hain?” I looked around and realized that I was roaming around in five gardens.

“Bhai sahab thank you yaar, actually mein toda confuse ho gaya aur pata nahi kya kar raha tha……………………………..”

I somehow convinced that policeman, he was kind enough to listen to me and surprisingly dropped me at my house without disturbing my parents.

I came back to my study table, closed all my books, switched on my computer and saw Jim Carrey’s ‘Dumb and dumber’ for the fiftieth time.


-May be I am Guru.